It's been a while since my last post. My sense of time has been slipping me and my mood has been somewhat better. It'd hate to think that the only time I write these posts is when I'm feeling especially terrible, but evidence seems to suggest that is true. Regardless, I have an imaginary girlfriend to get back to and a yearning for sleep that brings me no respite, so this post will be short.

I'd like to preface what I say next by stating that I do my best to detach my value and the value of others from societal values. Therefore, when I say that I have failed, I mean that purely by my own metric. This year has been a failure especially. Sparing details, I've done much worse than expected on several exams for subjects that I know like the back of my hand simply because I am a poor test taker. I am given some solace from the fact that I know the knowledge extremely well, which is all that really matters to me personally anyways, but knowing that I will not be judged as such does weigh on me. I constantly worry about my future monetarily and the opportunities that I may have lost from my abysmal performance this year. Of course, there's nothing to be done. Most would say that there is no point in worrying about it, but I don't subscribe to that school of thought. If I never learn from my failures, I will only keep failing. Every major failure this year was failure to perform when the time came.

Putting my grades aside, I have failed to qualify for any sort of distinctions in either of the two extracurriculars I actually care about. I've done both for years and even accounting for my sustained crippling depression throughout the past few years my performance on both was extremely subpar. With my junior year coming to a close I have little to show for my efforts. In the subject which I study most intensely my efforts have born no fruit, and I find myself inferior to my less obsessed peers.

I find it terribly cruel that in the endeavors that I have tried the hardest I have done the worst. The list of failures goes on, especially in the field of deeply personal failures. The list of successes is comparatively small and really by my metric is empty. I'm not trying to show a line of reasoning for why I feel this way. I don't need or want validation of my choices in life from people who know nothing of my life. The writing was always on the wall. I expect many more failures in the coming year.